(609): You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.

(678): I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

(253): Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

(303): Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing

(719): The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?

(303 ): Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner

(626): I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.

(561): I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.

(270): I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.

(815): You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

(917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): you mean faeutihaers?

(832): If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?

(970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

(281): This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants

(870): This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

(573): You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

(870): I wish that would've worked

(905): If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever

(650): Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here

(617): well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker

(617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): ru fi oooo

(410): as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.

(206): I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

(480): Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it