(916): The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
May 3, 2015
(321): Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oct 12, 2016
(785): you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Jun 22, 2011
(860): It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apr 28, 2011
(586): Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Mar 11, 2009
(630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
(815): that's gum
Jun 17, 2009
(812): last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Mar 7, 2012
(203): i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nov 30, 2009
(816): They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nov 25, 2012
(630): Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Jun 22, 2010
(+44): I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apr 21, 2013
(773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Mar 5, 2009
(403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Oct 4, 2010
(321): He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jun 21, 2012
(231): Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Jul 31, 2012
(248): I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Aug 24, 2009
(706): He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
May 26, 2011
(610): I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sep 14, 2010
(774): Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dec 26, 2015
(479): She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Jan 23, 2013